I do not write poetry, but today I decided to put down my thoughts on paper (okay it was a Word document) and it turned into poems. Here is what I wrote:

Aiden

For nine months we waited,
For nine months we prayed,
You'd be here with us
And forever you'd stay.

We had our dreams,
And wishes for you.
Days at the park,
And trips to the zoo.

Then that day came,
Our day to meet you,
And everything changed,
Right out of the blue.

Your heart rate was falling,
Something was wrong.
They raced to help you,
And did all that they could.

We held out hope that you would be strong.
That you would breathe,
And carry on.

For three short days,
You fought so hard,
You tried to stay forever more.

Then they told us the horrible news,
"He won't improve,"
"He'll never move."

"He'll never walk."
"He'll never talk."
"He'll never change."
"He'll forever stay the same."

We knew right then, we'd miss you so.
We knew right then, we'd let you go.

For two more days you were with us still.
You met your family,
Your Grams and Gramps.
You met your Uncles,
Although no Aunts.

Then it was time to let you go.
The wires removed.
The tubes disconnected.

Though no longer were you trying to breathe,
Your heart still kept beating,
You did not want to leave.

We held you.
We rocked you.
We gave you our love.
We told you stories.
We gave you advice.

Still you held on,
Not ready to go.
You gave us four hours,
You fought long and hard.

As your life faded,
We told you to go.
You'd finally have peace
And be able to rest.

We'll love you forever,
We'll never forget.

A Lifetime Lived in Days

Tiny Hands, Tiny Feet,
so perfect in every way.

You tried so hard,
And fought so strong,
But you had to go.

A lifetime lived in days.

We held you,
And loved you,
And then we let you go.

A lifetime lived in days.

We'll always remember,
We'll never forget,
How perfect you were,
Or how much we love you.

A lifetime lived in days.

Okay, so I have been a slacker. I have not updated this page in awhile.

We had another appointment today. Actually we have had one every week for the last month. Everything has been going very well other than my ankles have been swelling up like balloons. This is slightly concerning my midwife because it can be an indicator of preeclampsia, but I have no other indicators (blood pressure rising, vision problems, extraordinary fatigue, chest pain) and it does go away if I am off my feet for a day.

Our baby shower was fun. We have good food (took half a cake home and then took most of it to work the next day.). Got lots of great stuff and had a generally good time. Oddly this was the first night that my ankles swelled really badly and they have continued to since (see above).

We have had two ultrasounds since I last posted. The pictures at this point aren't great you can only see one part at a time and most are very hard to identify even if you know what you are looking at. He is growing at a consistent rate and was estimated to weigh 7.5 lbs. at the ultrasound on November 30. That means probably about an 8 lb. baby by the due date give or take a pound.

I had the flu over Thanksgiving, but that did not keep me from gaining 2.5 pounds that week. However this week I had lost that 2.5 lbs. again so I am at a total of 11 lbs. gained over my prepregnancy weight.

This weight loss prompted my midwife to do an internal exam today because she says that many women lose weight their last appointment before they go into labor. I am at 0 station, 80% effaced and a fingertip dilated. This is good since I have been having lots of painless contractions everyday and probably 8-10 that I can feel in my back along with a bit of crampiness in the abdomen. Two weeks ago when she did my Group B Strep test (which was negative) she did an internal as well. At that time I was at -1 station, cervix softened a bit and no dilation. As we were leaving she said she would see us next week if not sooner. This is the first time she has sounded as if she believed that there may not be a next weeks appointment. I am okay with this because next weeks appointment is scheduled for the day after my due date.

I think that catches up all of the slacking I have done. Hopefully the next post will be made from the hospital announcing his arrival.

My blood pressure: 130/78
Baby's Heart Rate: 138-143
Fundal Height: 33.5 cm

So far, so good. My blood pressure is staying right where it should be. The babies heartrate is where it should be and goes up when the midwife is poking at him to check it (this is what should happen). The fundal height is supposed to be 1 cm for each week of pregnancy so 33.5 cm at 34 weeks is right on track. I have gained 5 lbs from my last appointment. Five pounds in two weeks is a lot, but I was wearing jeans and tennis shoes this week and not lightweight shoes and a sleeveless knee length dress. Two weeks ago I had lost three pounds from the previous appointment so net gain in the last month is 2 pounds. Since I should average half a pound a week, I am right on track. I have gained 8 lbs. total, and have about 6 weeks to go. As of the last estimate, the baby will be about 7.5 to 8 lbs, so I am right on track.

I have had a bit more back pain, but the hip pain has disappeared. The physical therapy, especially time in the pool, seems to be helping. I have had some swelling in my ankles on and off, but no cankles. My hands a really swollen every morning, but once I am up and move them a bit the swelling goes away. This was not uncommon in the past with my arthritis anyway, so it is no great concern.

My midwife has said that I should start doing kick counts. For those of you unfamiliar with this, I will explain. Basically this is a technique that is now being used to monitor fetal activity levels and well being. You pick a time of day when the baby is normally active (All babies have times of day when they sleep and when they are active. Trying to do kick counts when a baby would normally be sleeping is just setting yourself up for undo panic.). The first time you feel a kick, you record the time and then count kicks until you have felt 10. If there are 10 kicks in 2 hours, the baby is moving appropriately. If there are less than 10 kicks in 2 hours, you should drink some juice, eat some food, or walk around and try again. If this does not improve the movement, you should contact your doctor/midwife. I have done these occasionally on my own and usually it take only about 15-20 minutes (sometimes less) to get 10 kicks. Also it is not necessarily a kick, but any movement which is good, because I have no idea how you would determine a kick versus a punch. So I will start doing these once or twice a day, probably after lunch and before bed. That is when he is most active.

We have a baby shower on Thursday and our lamaze class on Saturday and Sunday. I will try to post something about both of those events next week.

I had my 32 week appointment and ultrasound to monitor growth today.

Blood pressure: 132/78
Weight: Lost 3 lbs.
Baby×?Ts heartrate: 145 bpm
Baby×?Ts weight est.: 4 lbs 2 oz
Baby×?Ts head size: ~34w 2d
Baby×?Ts overall size: ~32w 4d

The ultrasound technician said that everything looked good. The fluid levels are good. The heart, kidneys, bladder, and stomach all look good and appear to be functioning normally. I was a bit surprised that the head measured 2 weeks ahead when everything else seems to be right on track. This is a little scary to me as I have to push that head out. This better just be a strange growth pattern and not a consistent thing.

My midwife was not too concerned about the weight loss. I think it is more like I did not gain anything. I wore jeans and a sweater with tennis shoes last appointment. I wore a short, sleeveless, lightweight dress and loafers (which are lighter than the tennis shoes) this time. I think the clothing difference account for most of that 3 lbs. This puts me back to 3-4 lbs over my prepregnancy weight.

My PT seems to have helped my hip quite a bit. Well that and falling on the stairs and pounding my knees into the ground. The fall was not that hard, but I have had little or no hip and back pain since I fell on Friday. Maybe something was just a little out of place and it got jarred back into position.

Update on me and the baby.

Friday I saw my rhuematologist and started physical therapy for my back and hip pain. My rhuematologist said she though everything was going well. She did not see any signs of major inflammation. She wants to see me back in 6 weeks. She did tell methat due to my loose ligaments, and floppy heart valve, it is very likely that i will dialate very quickly. This is news I shared with my midwife today (will get to that in a bit).

After that appointment I went to therapy. The therapist who evaluated me said that she did not think I needed a brace because my pelvis was not shifting around at all. She feels that I have inflammation in the joint from my arthritis and need to strengthen my core muscles and pelvic floor. She gave me a few exercises to do at home, but there is not much I can do because I can't lay on my stomach (obviously) and I should not lay on my back for any period of time. She has also had me start aquatic therapy 2 days a week. I starte that on Monday. The therapist that I am working with in the pool is 27 weeks pregnant so we have something in common to talk about while I am there.

So far the therapy seems to be helping me. My back and hip feel much better. They are still a bit sore, but getting better.

Today, I had my 30 week appointment. Everything seems to be going well. My blood pressure was 138/70. My heartrate is also a bit elevated. It has been between 88 and 100. My second glucose test was 96 (the first was 94). I have gained 8 pounds in the last month. I have finally passed my prepregnancy weight. I am now 6 pounds above it. My midwife said that normally she would tell a patient to be a bit cautious about gaining that much again, but in my case she is not concerned. Even if I gain that much each month for the rest of the pregnancy, I will still be within the allowable weight gain for my pregnancy.

I mentioned to her that my rhuematologist said that I would probably dialate quickly. She said that normally she does not do internal exams, but with that knowledge, she would like to consider starting them around 36 weeks. That way we will know if I am dialated at all before I go into labor and will know how quickly to get out the door to the hospital (especially since it is about 20 minutes away).

I think that is everything.